Tip #57

Try not to creep TOO far back in your crush’s social media/pictures. You will see them kissing their ex, and it will disturb you. I don’t care how late at night it is, how cute they are, or how curious you are. Stay strong ~

Tip #55

Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT give out your social media accounts to someone you don't know very well. Think of this: maybe you went out with them a handful of times, and they ghosted you... now you have to see Snapchats of them taking shots at the bar. Do the right thing. Tell them you barely use social media until you know they're not a dick.

Also, this has not happened to me... like, definitely has never happened to me...

Bad Tip #3

If they come right out and ask "what's wrong with you? why are you single?" give them something fun to work with. Great responses include:

• "My therapist says I'm a sociopath"
• "I'm a kleptomaniac"
• "I've been told I'm racist"
• "I'm messaging you from prison"
• "I'm sexually attracted to meerkats"
• "I'm still being breastfed"
• "Persistent halitosis"
• "I have really tiny knees. Like, the knees of a 2 year old"

Can you think of anything I missed?

Tip #53

Bring cash on dates, just in case things go poorly and you need to get out, but you also have a conscience. Slam that $10 bill on the table and walk away!

Tip #51

If you must wear a shirt with bae's initials, at least have some back up initials in mind, just in case they freak out. IE, Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift.

Taylor: OMG, you're creepy!

Tom: Uhh, I love TILDA SWINTON. Don't be so conceited, Taylor, GOSH! *wipes sweat from brow*

Tip #48

If you find yourself on a really terrible date, go ahead and let the crazy out. Overshare. Tell them you have three pets and a messy house. Tell them you slashed someone's tires last weekend. Tell them you're a virgin with an incurable disease. Tell them all of the bad things about yourself that you usually let out very slowly. They will either get the hint, or think you're way too crazy to see again! 

Tip #46

Ladies: Wouldn't it be nice to date a guy that compliments your perfect brow shape?

NO. If he does, you're barking up the wrooooong tree. Send that dish back to where it came from!

Tip #43

Don't give your last name to someone from Tinder, because they WILL Google you.... and memorize your address and work history from your LinkedIn profile.

Bad tip #4

Go on your crush's Facebook and like their very first profile picture-- from the early 2000's. Let them know what you're about.

Tip #37

Timeless classic: Keep your shitting and your eating/playing separate. Shit outside of those areas, and bring your shit around the places you eat or play. When you're not shitting anymore, it goes back to wherever it came from, and you get to eat and play as a free man. Or woman.

Tip #33

If at all possible, poop BEFORE your date. Trust me, when you're gone for longer than 5 minutes, they know what you're doing. POOPING.

Tip #26

You should never feel like you have to prove your worth to someone.*

*Unless you played Barbies until you were like, 12. Then you might need to put in a little effort convincing them.

Tip #24

No, your dating app isn't glitchy or broken. You just don't have any matches, and the matches you have made are ignoring you.

Tip #13

Avoid scheduling dates around the time you're going to have a dermatologist remove things from your body. Cauterized wounds look a little bit like herpes.

Tip #12

If you text them again after not speaking for many months and they say, "who is this?" do not respond with a knock knock joke.

If you MUST respond with a knock knock joke, at least try not to use that really weird one that no one ever understands.

Tip #11

I know it's tempting, but once you make it awkward, don't announce how awkward you just made it in attempts to make it less awkward. You're making it more awkward.

Tip #3

Don't tell someone you've had your asshole licked on the first date.