Tip #47

Date someone from another country and of a different religion. That way, you won't overlap holidays and you can force them to come to your family holiday events with you. Oh--- and the whole "learning about other cultures is fun" thing, too.

Tip #46

Ladies: Wouldn't it be nice to date a guy that compliments your perfect brow shape?

NO. If he does, you're barking up the wrooooong tree. Send that dish back to where it came from!

Tip #45

When the person you're dating offers to cook for you, do one of the following:

1. Supervise them so they don't destroy anything in your kitchen

OR

2. Just. Say. No.

If they cook for you without any major mishaps and the food is good, NEVER LET THEM GO. DO YOU HEAR ME?

Tip #44

Some people have really weird, annoying voices. Don't date those people.

Tip #43

Don't give your last name to someone from Tinder, because they WILL Google you.... and memorize your address and work history from your LinkedIn profile.

Tip #42

Dating is super difficult when you're unemployed. And there's just no good way to work that into a conversation. Maybe put the dating thing on hold until you're contributing to society again?

Bad tip #4

Go on your crush's Facebook and like their very first profile picture-- from the early 2000's. Let them know what you're about.

Tip #41

Always be yourself. Even if you're dorky, awkward, messy, sassy... The people that are right for you will appreciate it and make an effort to be around you.

Tip #40

Going home with a guy on the first date to EXPLICITLY watch Parks and Rec with him will not turn out how thought it would. He doesn't really want to watch Parks and Rec, you sweet, innocent little daffodil.

Tip #39

Try to find someone that finds you attractive when you look like shit; you won't have to try too hard to impress them. When you have Cheeto fingers and mustard all over your shirt on a Saturday night, it won't be anything out of the ordinary to them.

Tip #38

One day, when you're sick of meeting boring suitors, someone with pet alpacas will sound like a really great option.

Tip #37

Timeless classic: Keep your shitting and your eating/playing separate. Shit outside of those areas, and bring your shit around the places you eat or play. When you're not shitting anymore, it goes back to wherever it came from, and you get to eat and play as a free man. Or woman.

Tip #36

Remember: All hope isn't lost. Sometimes, the Gods smile upon you, the sea parts, the planets align, and someone asking you out tells you about their DUI and revoked license BEFORE you have to suffer through a date with them.

#Blessed

Tip #35

Don't take pictures of the person you're dating. Those pictures will just end up on their Tinder profile and it'll really piss you off.

Tip #34

If you get someone's number when you're drinking and they ask what your last name is the next day, it's because sober them doesn't remember what you look like and now they're trying to stalk you on social media.

#beergoggles
#beerutiful

Tip #33

If at all possible, poop BEFORE your date. Trust me, when you're gone for longer than 5 minutes, they know what you're doing. POOPING.

Tip #32

Nothing good happens on Tinder after 9pm on a weekend. Or... like, ever. But ESPECIALLY those times.

Tip #31

Guys: If a girl buys you clothes, she's trying to tell you she hates the way you dress. Gym shorts and old high school tee shirts aren't sexy.

Also: nobody cares that you were regional football champs in 2005.

Tip #30

Take a look at the friends and family of the person you're dating. If they're all shitty people, chances are, the person you're dating is shitty too.

Tip #29

"New phone, who dis" is truly the only acceptable way to respond to a text from someone you haven't spoken to in months.

Tip #28

If you're on a date and they're asking you about your family, don't automatically assume they're asking because they're going to track down your family and murder them. This indicates interest and is part of how someone gets to know you. I know. It'll take some getting used to.

Tip #27

What he first notices about a girl

What he says: Eyes

What he means: BUTT

Bad Tip #2

The best way to show a new girl that you are into her is to send her a picture of your genitals. If she doesn't immediately respond with gratitude, you should kick her to the curb because she's probably a lesbian and/or doesn't appreciate the finer things in life.

Tip #27

If you go on a break with someone to "find yourself," don't be surprised if they also "find themselves" wanting something totally different than being with you.

Bad Tip #1

Gradually introduce someone to your crazy until they're fully committed, and then after you meet their friends and parents, let it out like a fire hose. They'll be in too deep to tell you to get your shit together and walk away!

Tip #26

You should never feel like you have to prove your worth to someone.*

*Unless you played Barbies until you were like, 12. Then you might need to put in a little effort convincing them.

Tip #25

When somebody wants to go out with you on a Friday or Saturday night, that means they're saving their Prime Time for you. This is a good sign.


Also a good sign:

Tip #24

No, your dating app isn't glitchy or broken. You just don't have any matches, and the matches you have made are ignoring you.

Tip #23

Don't be a dick about your significant other having attractive friends of the opposite sex. It makes you look bad, and those attractive friends are probably talking shit about you behind your back.

Tip #22

It's TOTALLY acceptable to block someone if they don't get a "living in a van down by the river" reference.